


Get A Nibble On

by Archangel Raphael (tsuduku)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Angel Crowley (Good Omens), Demon Aziraphale (Good Omens), Fallen Angel Aziraphale (Good Omens), Halloween, M/M, Pastries, Pumpkin Spice, Reverse Omens, also unofficially the demon of lust but don't tell crowley about that, aziraphale is the demon of sloth and gluttony, big spooky fan me, don't tell my wips i'm here, hedonistic aziraphale, no beta we saunter vaguely downwards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 13:03:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21119243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuduku/pseuds/Archangel%20Raphael
Summary: Aziraphale owns a bakery across the street from a gym. He tempts mortals with his sweet treats and encourages them to cancel their gym memberships. At this bakery, everything is sugar and spice and none of it nice.





	Get A Nibble On

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written with the idea based off [THIS](https://twitter.com/fatbottomcurls/status/1179500583360847872)  
twitter post with permission from the user. 
> 
> Basically reverse omens where they look the same and the only difference is the side they're on. The original post pictured him looking like Roland Blum from the good fight. I like to think of him looking like the same old Aziraphale we know and love, just not an angel. Have fun imagining what he looks like. Reader's choice.

It’s 5 minutes to 7am on a Saturday and the crisp October breeze carries the scrumptious scent of fresh pastries through the streets of Soho, London. A particular bakery has been running from the crack of dawn, preparing freshly baked sweets for the morning crowd. Inside, a certain demon rubs his hands together in anticipation for the day’s business. The clock chimes at 7am, and Aziraphale snaps his fingers ordering the sign on the door to flip itself over and reveal the “ _ Open”  _ lettering, signaling the start of a day full of temptations. It isn’t long before the bell above the door rings as its swung open; a customer. 

“Good morning dear!” Aziraphale cheerily greets the customer, a young woman in sleek athletic wear, “How can I help you?” 

“Good morning,” the young woman returned the greeting “I’d like one of your protein breakfast bagels please.” 

Aziraphale’s smile grew larger and more devious. “Oh, going to hit the gym after this are we? Gotta have that energy!” There was a sign on the sidewalk advertising fit breakfasts and snacks amongst the bakery’s menu, but that was a lie, there were no such things in the bakery at all. Not that Aziraphale would ever let anyone know of course. 

“Yup! I just signed up to the gym that’s across the street.” she responded “I’m sure you get quite a few customers coming in here for their pre or post workout boost. It’s a great location to set up a business.” 

“I sure do! Although I don’t remember ever having seen you around before my dear. Have you just moved to the area? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to pry, it’s just that most of the athletic crowd are regular customers of mine and I’m always excited to see a new face come through my doors.” for a demon, Aziraphale was extremely polite. He had manners that even most humans lacked now a days, but he insisted that this was all part of his act. Hell had taken some issue with it in the past, but Aziraphale’s annual numbers were staggering. There was no denying that he racked in the most souls every year by maintaining this gentle non threatening facade, so Hell let him be. 

“Yeah actually! I just moved in from Brighton. Registered to the gym online through a friend’s recommendation. I went to check it out last week when I moved in, and now that I’m all settled in I thought I might give it a proper go.” 

Aziraphale saw his chance. “Oh well let me be the first to welcome you to the neighborhood my dear!” he reached behind the counter and pulled out a white frosted cupcake that was heavily dusted with an orange looking powder. “It’s my seasonal special for October. Lovely vanilla bean with cinnamon, brown sugar, and a touch of pumpkin. It’s on the house!” he smiled and handed it to the woman. 

She smiled, but hesitated a bit, realizing that she had gotten side tracked from what she had come into the shop for. 

“Thanks, but… I really shouldn’t have that before the gym.” she replied.

“Aw don’t be so hard on yourself. You deserve to treat yourself just for waking up so early on a Saturday morning to go into the gym. You’ll burn off all the calories inside anyway! Besides, it’s a little welcoming gift.” Aziraphale gently nudged the pastry in her direction, temptation just a fingertip away. 

The woman hesitated for just a moment more before giving in, and taking the cupcake into her hands. “I guess you’re right about that. Sorry, I shouldn’t have been so rude as to decline a kind gift.” she smiled and took a bite of the cupcake. “Oh my god! This is amazing! What do you put in it?” 

Aziraphale clasped his hands together in delight as he watched her devour the cupcake. He had her, and he knew it. “It’s an old family recipe handed down to me by my grandmother. With a secret ingredient, and just a pinch of magic.”

“Mnmm it’s delicious, thanks!” she replied with a mouthful of cupcake “I should really get going now though. It was nice meeting you Mr… uh I’m sorry I never got your name.” 

“Call me Mr. Fell,” Aziraphale replied with a positively wicked smile “Oh! Before you go,” he pulled out a set of business cards that seemed to come out of thin air and he handed them to her “They’re little points cards. Give them to your friends, my dear and they’ll get a lovely treat if they pop in with them.”

“Thank you, Mr. Fell! I’ll make sure to tell them to mention that Allison sent them here.” she said, returning the smile.

“Allison? Allison! I’ll remember that. Have a scrumptious day my dear!” Aziraphale replied, waving her off as she left the shop. Hell would have her in a matter of days, he was sure of it. This put a spring in his step. The day was off to a good start. 

  
  


“Oh no! Absolutely not! That simply will not do, Karen.” said Aziraphale “Go forth and shag the lovely man from next door. You deserve a good shag, and that knob of a husband won’t do you right.” 

Karen let out an exaggerated gasp. “Mr. Fell! Why I never would’ve imagined you to be so direct with these topics!” 

Aziraphale smiled in return, taking a sip from his hot chocolate. He had met Karen some months ago at a nail salon while he was getting his routine manicure. The two had a good chat, and a few days later Karen was in his shop, chatting away. Karen was a feisty woman in her mid 40s and she was quite good at helping Aziraphale stir up some trouble. She always had the latest gossip of the neighborhood, was quick to jump to conclusions, and was prone to strong bouts of jealousy. In recent weeks, Karen had opened up to Aziraphale about the current state of her 25 year long marriage. It had become stale and boring, there was no lust anymore, and she had begun to fancy the younger man who had just moved in next door. Of course, Aziraphale encouraged it. 

“Why not? It’s merely another pleasure, like dessert or a good meal, and you know how much I enjoy that.” Aziraphale giggled

“Mr. Fell is right you know!” said another woman who sat adjacent to Karen. “I’ve been telling you for a while now that that husband of yours is a downright wanker. You deserve some fun after all the shit you’ve had to put up with him!” 

This other woman was Susan, Karen’s best friend of 10 years prior. She began coming into the bakery shortly after Karen started her regular visits. Of course, since Karen enjoyed the cozy setting, pastries, and the company of Mr. Fell, she invited her dear friend to come along. Susan was much quieter than Karen, but possibly twice as fowl, though she usually only let very close friends see the extent of her rottenness. 

“Oh perhaps you two are right,” replied Karen “but… but what if he doesn’t fancy me? What with all the extra weight I have on I don’t see why he would! It would be the same as trying to shag me own husband, won’t work!” 

Aziraphale sat down his half empty cup of cocoa and looked sternly at Karen. “Nonsense! That is absolute nonsense I tell you! As much as men try to say otherwise, they do quite enjoy a robust figure. I can say that from experience. Every man I’ve shagged has all but been delighted with my own softness.” 

Both Karen and Susan gave a loud gasp followed by childlike giggles. 

“Mr. Fell! You certainly are full of surprises now aren’t you.” said Karen, her cheeks now flushed a deep red. 

“He’s absolutely right though, Karen! You make your move on that young lad with no regrets!” encouraged Susan, she was quite good at encouraging others to do risky things as she liked to live vicariously through them. 

“I only speak the truth.” replied Aziraphale. “Should anyone be so blatantly rude as to inquire how much you weigh, just promptly reply to them, ‘If we’re talking British Pounds, I’m priceless!’ because you are indeed my dear.”

Just as he was finishing up his cocoa, the bell above the door rang; a customer “Now if you’ll excuse me ladies,” he said as he slowly got up from the table “I have some customers to attend to.” 

The customer that had just walked in was a man by the name of Nigel. He was 30 years old, new father, and a born again Christian that had decided to reject sloth by going to the gym. However, this hadn’t gone as he had planned to, and Aziraphale was more than delighted to slowly tempt him out of his good intentions and into pastries. Luckily for Aziraphale, NIgel also lacked follow through. He had only gone to the gym some odd times and failed to keep up a regular routine (which of course Aziraphale had subtly encouraged him to relax more and more). Today, Nigel stepped in looking like he had been absolutely defeated by the treadmill, and possibly even more defeated by the whims of life. 

“Well hello there Nigel! How lovely to see you stop by again! It’s been some time.” Aziraphale beamed to the gloomy looking man. “My dear, forgive me for saying this, but you look positively awful! What’s gotten into you dear boy?” 

“Oh Mr. Fell!” moaned Nigel “It’s dreadful, absolutely dreadful! Lord forgive me for saying such things, but I don’t know what to do!” 

“What ever are you going on about? Come, take a seat and I’ll fix you up a nice refreshing milkshake, then we can have a quick chat. You look like you could use a refresher.” 

And before Nigel could protest, Aziraphale was off behind the counter, preparing the most luxuriously thick milkshake for the man. Meanwhile, Susan and Karen were whispering to each other about the possibility of stealing a purse out of a convertible car parked conveniently on the street just outside the shop with the top off. Just a slight demonic miracle would push them in the right direction. 

“Alright now, tell me what’s the matter.” Aziraphale returned to the table where Nigel sat, head held between his hands, and he set the tall decorative glass with the milkshake down right in front of the man. 

“It’s the baby.” said Nigel, finally lifting his head. “I can’t seem to get any sleep. The wife is cranky all the time and I feel that everything is my fault! It’s only been a few weeks and I’m already the worst father in England! To top it off, this has been making it even more difficult for me to keep my promise of maintaining a healthy figure. The wife keeps complaining that I’m wasting our money on the gym and that could be of better use for the baby, but I also want to be an ideal looking father! Oh I shouldn’t even be having this milkshake! It’s far too indulgent. ” 

“Now now Nigel, let’s not be ungrateful.” Aziraphale gave him a stern look, giving the glass a slight nudge towards Nigel. “Listen here, it’s perfectly normal to be exhausted with a new baby at home. It puts a strain on every relationship no matter how strong the bond. It’s just one of those things.” 

Nigel regretfully reached towards the milkshake and took a small sip. Aziraphale’s stern demeanor relaxed and he gave the man a warm smile. “Really? Is that true Mr. Fell? You don’t have any children of your own. How would you know?” 

“Oh of course it is dear boy! I may not have any little ones but I’ve known plenty of people who have. Plenty of customers as well have come by getting cakes for their baby’s gender reveal, for their first birthday, and so forth, and all the new parents wind up exactly as you are right now.” 

Now, to say that Aziraphale handled gender reveal cakes was a bit of a lie. Sure, he took their orders for a white cake that was pink or blue on the inside, but that was never the end result. By the time the customers cut open their cake at the party it would be some random color such as red, green, or yellow. Once Aziraphale even made the interior of the cake ooze black molasses to a couple he particularly disliked. They had come into his shop ranting about all sorts of self righteous religious morality about how modern society was ruining the traditional “natural” concept of gender. All parties would miraculously never bother with filing a complaint against Aziraphale’s bakery. 

Nigel finally cracked a weak smile. “Thank you Mr. Fell. That takes a weight off my shoulders.” 

“There’s a good lad!” Aziraphale gently patted him on the shoulder. “Now, speaking of weights, there is one thing I will say. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but if you’re seeking my advice I must be honest with you. I agree with your wife that you are being quite selfish and wasteful with keeping your gym membership. You don’t have the time to maintain a regular routine. So you’re simply throwing money down the drain! Plus, this is priceless time you could be spending with your spawn, uh I mean, baby instead! These tiny moments of theirs go by so fast. You will regret not being with your child more than you will regret a soft belly. Besides, a little softness never hurt anyone.” 

With a loud sigh Nigel nodded in defeat. “No no, you’re right about that Mr. Fell. I should cancel that membership, I’m not getting good use of it.” 

Aziraphale smiled to himself. With a bit of patience, he now had another one. Hell would be delighted with his reports of the week. Just over Nigel’s shoulder, Aziraphale could see as Karen and Susan quickly slipped their hands into the convertible parked on the street, getting away with a fancy red purse that had been inside. Those two never failed to do just as Aziraphale expected them to. 

  
  


By nightfall Aziraphale had closed up shop. It had been a long day full of successful temptations. He was quietly humming to himself as he shuffled the chairs back into proper order when the bell above the door rang its familiar jingle. There was only one being who could have walked in through his locked doors at that hour. 

“Crowley!” Aziraphale happily turned to face the door, and sure enough the angel was standing right there with a large paper bag in hand. 

“Hullo Aziraphale. It’s good to be back.” said Crowley as he sauntered his way closer to Aziraphale. 

“Good to have you back, Angel” replied Aziraphale. Crowley had been out for the past month. A few important blessings to handle in Scotland, and instead of falling back on their arrangement, coming up with some negotiation with Aziraphale, the angel had decided to go there themselves. 

Crowley maintained quite a harsh appearance for an angel. He was quite intimidating, dressed mostly in black, and drove around in a vintage black Bentley blasting out rock n roll from the speakers. Heaven had tried to intervene quite a few times, but Crowley insisted he was acting undercover, posing as a bad influence to get deep within the circles of awful people and thwart their evil plans for good. Heaven could never get Crowley to change because his soul count supported his excuse that he maintained appearances simply to work undercover. Although Aziraphale knew that deep down, Crowley had a rebellious streak, and he wanted to be associated as little as possible with those cold hearted angels that only treated him as some freak anomaly, a mistake of the Almighty. However, Crowley would never admit that, just like he wouldn’t admit that he closed down his florist shop because he couldn’t bare to sell a single plant. He was always worried that the customer wouldn’t take good care of the plants. 

“Oh please tell me you brought some treats from Scotland!” Aziraphale clasped his hands together, hopeful. 

“You bet.” said Crowley, raising the paper bag “Your favorite Scotch whiskey and a few chocolates I managed to nab on the way back.” 

“You never fail to delight me dear boy.” Aziraphale happily took the paper bag filled with treats into his own hands and he flashed a flirty smile to Crowley. “Let’s go get comfortable up in my living room and you can tell me all about your horrid blessings in Scotland when I’m nice and drunk enough to actually pay attention to you.” 

“Oi! They were not horrid! I’ll have you know I’m quite good at my job.” Crowley scoffed. “What’s horrid is you lying to all those humans to give up their gym memberships.” 

“Of course you are. That’s why they never want to promote you.” Aziraphale teased. “And you and I both know very well those mortals won’t use those gym memberships. Besides, I don’t lie! It’s the one sin I never quite got the hang of. Unlike you, you’re a professional liar. You lied to the Almighty about your flaming sword. Meanwhile the only lie I’ve ever told a mortal is that god is a man, because no one wants a man telling them what to do!” 

“Are you my new superior now? Telling me how I should and shouldn’t do my job? You lousy demon.” Crowley crossed his arms in front of his chest and he scowled. Hopeful that this would get his demon to make up for his supposed mean comments with something a bit more sweet. 

“Oh don’t look at me like that! I’ll apologize with a few treats upstairs alright?” Aziraphale pouted and then dramatically turned to head towards the stairwell at the back of the shop which lead up to his flat on the second floor. “You coming, angel?” 

Crowley smiled to himself. “Of course. I’m right behind you.” 

**Author's Note:**

> The funniest thing about this is that as I was writing it i realized that if they switched roles they actually wouldn't be bad at their job. 
> 
> I wrote this instead of working on my ongoing slow burn saga [Sushi!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20514812/chapters/48687728)  
but I promise I'm almost done with the next chapter on that as well as some new fluffy goodness to balance out all the misery that fic has brought.


End file.
